Ambiguous Loss

By Kyleigh Baker, LMFT

To be human is to know loss in all of its forms- francis weller.

“Ambiguous loss,” coined by Pauline Boss, refers to a loss that remains unclear and, therefore, makes closure/resolution difficult to achieve. This can happen when someone is physically present/alive but not psychologically— loss caused by addiction, mental illness, Alzheimers, terminal illness, miscarriage/infertility, divorce, etc.

Pauline says that ambiguous loss usually results in frozen grief- I can confirm that from experience. It’s like grieving a death by a thousand cuts…after each cut. With ambiguous loss, the ambiguity about the person’s condition and prognosis (e.g., is recovery possible?) can lead to confusion, delaying acceptance, & grief in perpetuity. It can be so lonely. There’s mystery & unanswered questions. What are we accepting exactly if the condition changes all the time? Some days are good, some are bad. Some days recovery looks possible, sometimes not. Sometimes the addict gets sober for a moment. Sometimes the loved one with Alzheimer remembers things we’d never expect.

I’ve had to process ambiguous loss of several close family members for various reasons and the grief can be intense, confusing, & amorphous. I’ve had to learn: new ways to relate to the lost person, how to hope AND let go at the same time, and how to accept an often-changing reality. Sorrow can be brutal and can also expand us in unexpected ways.

Some nuggets I've gleaned:

anger belongs.
confusion will pass.
sorrow is inevitable.
accepting reality can = freedom.
with every loss comes new life.
cling to facts about their prognosis.
wishing for a simpler outcome is normal.
boundaries and letting go DO NOT = apathy.
higher reactivity can mean unprocessed fear.
compassion for yourself is necessary.
empathizing with their suffering won’t effectively bypass yours.
the pain comes and goes like waves in the ocean.

Grief can lead us straight to the waters of a new identity. If this is you, sending you big, big love.

“It was through the dark waters of grief that I came to touch my unlived life. There’s some strange intimacy between grief and aliveness. Some sacred exchange between what seems unbearable and what is most exquisitely alive.” - Francis Weller